Housing Inspector: Comedy Sketch

A man knocks on the door of a new build house, Barrett Home style.

Another man opens it.

INSPECTOR: Good morning, sir! You wanted this house inspected ahead of it being put on the market. (Shakes hands) Edward York-Tudor of Maynard Filmore surveyors.

MAN: Uggh. All right, mate. Just been sleeping after a big night out. Come in, but be careful of the ashtrays, yeah?

INSPECTOR: Certainly, sir! Thank you so much….Ah yes, rather a lot of ashtrays on that table. I assume you will dispose of some before viewings take place?

MAN: I’ll get rid of all the novelty ones.

INSPECTOR: Even the one in the shape of Des Lynam’s head?

MAN: Possibly not that one. Saving it for my great-grandchildren.

INSPECTOR: Very wise, sir. Very Des-irable ashtray.

MAN leads him into the living room.

INSPECTOR: Sir! I say, sir! I don’t want to shower gloom on your move, but your living room wall has hairline cracks! Cracks that would make Kirstie Allsop pout!

MAN: Yeah, the cracks. It’s the laughter, mate.

INSPECTOR: Laughter?

MAN: The walls in this house are very thin. The new craze.

INSPECTOR: How often do you laugh, sir? How often do you explode in wall-cracking mirth?

MAN: Well, every time I watch a stand-up comedy DVD.

INSPECTOR: Have you tried Keith Bland’s new DVD? About as funny as a fart in a forest.

MAN: Laughed all the way through.

INSPECTOR: Right! The only thing that can be done is for you to paint over the cracks in the walls and not laugh until the house is sold.

MAN: No laughter?

INSPECTOR: None within sniggering distance of this house. Which I calculate is ten metres. The minute a smile cracks that lovely rosy-cheeked face of yours, open the door and run for ten metres. Twenty, to be on the safe side. Then laugh and laugh until it is out of your system.

MAN: That’s…laughable.

INSPECTOR: Out! Out! Sir, go through that door and run twenty metres.

The man runs twenty metres and then lets out a small giggle. Another one, louder. Sounds of shattering glass.

He walks back into the house.

MAN: Laughed the car windows in. Not my car, though. Green Astra.

INSPECTOR: Green Astra?

MAN: Yes. Green Astra.

INSPECTOR: Ah.